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You are the only exception

So CTs were a trainwreck. Nothing's new these days. Just glad it's over.

Finally calling my grandma today made me a sad sad girl. I felt like such an inadequate person talking to her, listening to her about her life. I don't feel good about myself when I ask how much time I have spent with her, made the effort to call her when I'm rattling off on MSN with people I see everybody. Filial piety is so much more than just loving someone, but doing something for them. And it really scares me when she talks about death, that it seems like she lost a will for something. Becoming her listening ear for that short while even, I see so many underlying feelings in my family that I've never seen, never felt, never heard. Guess I'm just oblivious to everything sometimes huh.

Makes me think, how people with the excess capacity can live so comfortably while others struggle with everyday minute tasks.

It struck me so hard, my grandma's despondency mired in all her rantings at even the smallest things. Someone happy does not gripe at the things that seem to fade into the background when there are so many more attention grabbing things. And when she said happiness comes from seeings us do well, I don't think I've ever been so touched. Just wished I could do more for her, wished that I could go back to when I was 4, when I called her every single day, listening to her joy.

I guess despite all my gripings of being fat, of being pimply, of failings, of inadequacies, I don't think I want to be anyone else, anywhere else, with any other family.
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